Tuesday, June 2, 2015

// the month of may //

May was busy, fun and let's be honest, a bit exhausting.  There were quite a few birthdays (Elliot turned four!)  And we had a bunch of photo shoots.  I've been editing and practicing my photography, which means I'm spending a little more time in front of a screen than I'd like.  The kids, Jimmy and I would absolutely prefer to be outside every day, all day.  However, the need to move forward both financially and creatively has us staying inside sometimes, even on beautiful days.  (i've cried over it to be completely honest.)  It seems impossible to sit in front of a screen when it's beautiful out, but sometimes it's the only day we have to work and beauty or not, we have to make the difficult choice.  Breaks have helped, although sometimes they turn into a bit longer than we planned.  (but there was a lizard crawling across the boy's little mountain and he had a red tail and oh my goodness!- there's a mommy and baby one too!)  

So, we are learning and attempting to find balance.  But, i've felt so pulled in one direction and direction involves sippy cups, diaper changed,  and "mommy look at me! look at me! look at me!"  I go on instagram and quickly scroll through all of the gorgeous photos on my feed and I think "I just don't have any time."  I've taken another step back and thought "is this just self-pity?"  and sometimes it is, but more often I literally feel the hours slipping away and I wonder why I didn't apply myself more before I had kids.  I hope this comes across in the way I hope, but I just read an article on how likeability is bull shit, so I'm just going to let it spill out.  And hopefully I choose most of the right words. ;)

Sometimes, I slip from the sheets in the morning, groggy and uninspired but hoping that will change. I throw on pajama pants or sometimes not and tip toe into the kitchen.  I bring a book and my journal and hope to write without interruption.  But something interesting has happened more than once; more than a few times actually.  I pour my coffee into my cup and I hear "mommy? mommy?"  How do they know to wait until my coffee is in my cup and I already feel at ease that yes, my children are asleep and I'm about to have some quiet me time, even though it's insanely early and I'd rather sleep, but now is the only time so why not?  It's at this moment, when the coffee aroma is entering my soul that I hear "mommy?"

I just don't have the time to read, write, create.

Or maybe I'll find it.  Maybe I'll create it.  

These are my thoughts coming out of May; a busy, but fun month.  

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1 comment:

  1. Wow what a real post thank you. I crave these when I am searching through blogs. That line where you spoke about wishing you did more before the kids came along really resonates with me. I say that to my husband so much - that we wasted so much time. We are in a pretty unique position in that we have left society behind and are travelling around Australia in a bus. This has opened me up as a person to so many new thoughts and ideas. I want to sit under a tree all day and explore what I am thinking and feeling but like you the eternal cries of mummy always cuts through my thoughts. I am lucky that our lifestyle means we don't have the extra stuff to do that comes with living a settled life. But I still feel that frustration at not being able to completely explore me some days. But then I remind myself that the journey of wasting time and then having enough time shows me how precious it is to use every moment.
    Thanks again for allowing me to share my thoughts. This post is great. I hope you get to drink your coffee today



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