Wednesday, October 16, 2013

//I'm Ready//

First, let me say that I absolutely love being a stay at home mother.  I am full of gratitude that I get to raise these two outstanding little boys.  I say get to because I really do feel that it's a privilege; a gift.

Lately, though, I've been dreaming of adding to my daily routine.  It is already full, overflowing even, yet I've been feeling a steady restlessness, pounding it's way through my thoughts.  It's a drum that is creating a steady, consistent beat.  It's a dream.

I always said I would be 100% content being a stay at home mom.  I believe that to be true.  I am 100% content, but at the same time I'm not.  Honestly, I've struggled with responsibility.  I have not enjoyed pressure or deadlines, always unsure I'd be able to produce anything.  The Sling Diaries changed that for me.  Every time I sat down to write, I was sure nothing would come to me.  I was afraid that I would be left with a blank page, that the deadline would come and go and still, no words.  Yet, the words came.  They came swiftly and with feeling- they moved me and awakened me to a new outcome.  A new outcome that said, maybe, just maybe- I had no reason to be worried. This fear had been lying to me all along.

I started blogging because I knew that I needed an outlet.  I was pregnant with my second child that would be born only 15 months after my first.  I was 3000 miles away from my family.  My husband had to work a lot. I needed an outlet that was just for me.  A place where I could pursue dreams and help others pursue theirs.    Having two wild and crazy boys so close together has brought a sense of isolation at times, to be perfectly honest.  It may sound sad, but I need to pursue connection with other moms whatever way I can.

This post was about a few different things.  First, I think I need something else.  I think I need something else to put my hands to, a job or a project.  Something that will take me outside of the house. (It's funny, but I feel a twinge of guilt at that declaration. why does that happen to mothers?)  I have dreams of publishing a book of poetry before my 29th year (march) and starting a children's line based on literature (big surprise there, haha. think narnia, lord of the rings, oscar wilde, neruda, mary oliver) of writing a children's book and becoming a doula.  I have all these dreams and now that I am not pregnant again and my youngest is getting older, I think it's time I start to pursue them.  Maybe it's my fascination with feminist literature and my desire to devour all the words that tell me of my strength both as a woman and as a mother, but I am ready.  I am seriously, fucking ready. (excuse my language. I don't usually curse, but it felt so necessary here.)

no more fear.






Follow along with my new tumblr.  In the Morning Light
Full of literary quotes and some of my own poetry, as well. 




8 comments:

  1. Way to go momma. Don't ever feel guilty about using the talents given to you. Being a momma is one and perhaps the most important one of all, but there are others too and that's okay. Embrace them, cherish them, live them, in doing so you will teach your babes what a strong momma and woman looks like. A woman and momma who completely invests in her children, but who doesn't let her dreams and wishes go down the drain. I'm not a mother yet (working on it!) but I've seen so many mothers I know give up their dreams to raise their babies. Which is brave and amazing, but I wish they didn't have to. I wish we woman encouraged mothers to raise their babies, but that it's also 100% okay to also pursue and live out their dreams too. Sorry for the rambling, basically you're awesome and I can't wait to read what you produce!

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    1. Thank you so much! I wholeheartedly agree with you! so often we've heard people close to us talk of how they wished they had done this or that but that raising kids was more important. I know that it could definitely look different after kids, but our dreams show our kids how to live out theirs and that they are not a burden that kept us from doing important things. I want my kids to see their presence as making our lives better, because well, they do! <3 <3

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  2. You go girl! I freaking love it! :-) You're an inspiration.

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  3. I'm proud of you. I wish I was a mother so I could be there for you, as I know you need contact with other mothers. I hope that we can connect more and that I can be a shoulder for you, or an outlet for you!

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    1. You are the sweetest- thank you friend! You are already such an encouragement. But I'd love to hang out sometime. :)

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  4. i feel you, momma. i have twins thats just gonna turn one this next november. but already i feel like want to start something. but maybe i still need to delay few more months since they still pretty much need me. good luck, momma! i hope i'll be able to do the same thing you do. the readiness i mean. not the poem and stuff. i dont like poem, teehee :P xoxo

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    1. haha, thank you lady! it's tricky figuring out how to juggle both, but totally possible! <3

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